Amaras voicemail...

Amara left me a voicemail tonight and she was upset and said "its not talking" and then said,"mommy! i miss you talking" and then she paused and said "Mommy! I love you mommy!" I really really miss my baby and she sounded so sad that I wasn't on the phone since it was a voicemail and not something where we can talk back and forth to each other. Its hard being away from her. I love that she told me that she loved me and missed talking to me. I'm a lucky mom  I cant wait to have her in my life again. I miss our daily adventures and snuggling up to her.

My life seems empty without her. She really is my best friend. I love her with all my heart and there is a huge gap with her gone and i don't know what to do with myself most of the time. Life really is different with her gone and I'm not the same person as i used to be in the past when i was young. I could never go back to a life like that. She changed me. I love her. I will go to the ends of the earth for her. 

Note to Brian: missing my baby

I just had a strong urge to cuddle with Mara and wrap her in my arms. Please give her a big hug for me and tell her that I love her. If she squeals and tries to get free love on her more lol

How have your days been?

Mine have been good. Missing Mara a lot. It's to quiet, I have no one to distract me anymore. And I find that I really love having an excuse to have to focus on less stressful things in life. 

I was just saying she makes me feel like a kid again. And right now I'm so sick of school that I would welcome a distract from her then to do anything I'm supposed to do.

Because I want to mere never

In a way I am glad that if I had to divorce your father I did it while we were young and you are very young. Essentially we have done is taken one of the most sad and confusing event a child can experience and went through it at a point that you won't remember. Although I do wonder what sort  of mess it causes you to go through now. I hope it's not to bad. I hope I give you strength. I hope you don't regret later that you don't remember those times. I can assure you that you didn't miss much. I will say your father was a great friend to me and we had some good times. There are moments you will have wanted to remember. Some good times you could have seen. But there was a lot of bad times too and I'm glad you don't have to remember those. I'm glad I have now met a man I am sure I will spend the rest of my life with so you never have to experience more of that. I am blessed. I hope you remember me all the way up there. This is the fourth  time you have been away from me,   Maybe more.  The military kept me away a lot. Now I see you more but sometimes it's still not enough and I can't get enough of you and I want you home. I put a little purple flower, that fell off you shoe, on my keychain. It reminds me of you. I found it the day that I was dropping you off too your dads for the first summer. It kills me every time I have to let you go. And then like now, I am sitting waiting wishing for you. It feels empty when you are not around.    I start having hallucinations  that I are or hear you and I get excited. I long to have you near me just being you. I think one day I will make this years journal a book. 

My beautiful baby

You are the sweetest most beautiful girl. Your heart is the biggest and warmest I have ever seen. It is an honor to be your mom. 

Bath time

Last night in the bath tub you laid down on your back all the way. A milestone for you because you don't like to. And then you started washing your hair and put some shampoo in it and you spiked it down the middle and said look I'm josh! 

My minion and partner in crime

You know I can feel myself pushing her away from me. Slowly weaning me off of her in anticipation  of when she leaves for her dads the summer. I will not know what to do with myself. And often wonder how ill make it threw and for fear I may stop feeling like a mom when your away. Distance  at that age can make the littlest forget and may cause you to forget me. When I really miss someone but can't see them everyday I start to slowly forget them as life goes on. It is bad enough that they have to miss us, but they shouldn't forget us. I hope I can be strong and continue to be a good mom to you and reach out to you often. Hopefully things will not be like this forever. I so much wish to be a good mom to you and I hope we will always be best friends. For my favorite thing in life is loving you, watching you grow, and being your best friend. I'll take you on all my adventures.